Past on rewind

I think I’m changing.  Have had 4 numbers in a succession of 2 days. All this attention, I’m not sure if it is good or not. For three years things were silent and now BOOM. Just like that. Gosh. Things are gonna get scary if I don’t handle this right.

They think they are so cool with their witty phrases and notations. Thinking that they are above others. They think, they feel goo d about themselves. Only about themselves. Never sparing a thought about others.  Is this how they should be? Thinking they’re superior with their fancy new clothes, shitloads of cash and starving to bits just to look good in clothes? What a joke. Really. You should wake up from your false delusions and realise that the world, isn’t really as nice as it seems and not always things fall the way you depict it to be. Always writing stuff which they feel matters. But really, do you think we care? Not one bit. So shut the fuck up and wake up from your fantasy. Life’s a bitch. So fuck you. =D

Change.

Life has been pretty much empty for me. There’s a lot of things that I have been thinking about. Some changes about myself which I feel I should make. To be a better person. But I’m beginning to realise, would me changing really matter to anyone out there? Why would me changing be of significance to anyone? This is the constant debate that I have had with myself for the longest time and always I find excuses to not come to a conclusion. I feel kind of fucked up and I don’t know what to do about it exactly.

I feel like I should try to be a better person. Trying hard not to lead a wasted life. To try and escape this place called reality and live in my own fantasy world, alone and happy. I wait for signs, for a reason to make these changes. To tell myself that what I’m going to be doing is warranted and that there is a basis for every move I do and what I did is right. The more I wait, the more I bleed inside.

I’m so sick of living this lie. So tired of pretending to everyone that I’m the person they think I am. It’s so exhausting to keep up this pretense. I would much rather be left alone for the time being, to have this time to put myself back together again. To rethink my life choices. To ensure I won’t be the same person as I was before. I’m just tired. Tired of all the scheming, the pressure and everything else. It wears me down completely. Give me this time to go back into my cocoon, to turn myself into a person that I want to become, not a person that society dictates me to be. I want to make a change. For the future.

Humans are S-E-L-F-I-S-H

Humans are selfish.
Humans always want things to go that way and are never willing to compromise on anything.
Everything should be perfect according to their rules and/or standard.
When asked to give in, they give a 1001 reasons just to say no.
That’s what frustrates me. It’s always a “me first, others later” kind of mentality.
This is especially evident during the rush hours of the morning.
People rushing to board the bus as soon as the door opens.
People speeding on the road just so they would make it on time for work.
Passengers’ unwillingness to give up a seat for the elderly, disabled or mothers with small children.
It’s infuriating to see that people, have become simply individualistic.
There’s no “WE” or “US” in their vocabulary, only ME, MYSELF and I.
Stupid isn’t it? How much people are willing to sacrifice others just so that they could come up on top?

Visions of hell

The time has come for those who have sinned to pray upon the salvation of their souls. To seek forgiveness for their sins and hope to be cleansed from the evil which lies within. The light which have always shrouded the unworthy in its holiness shall now yield to the forces of evil to induce chaos and pandemonium upon the undeserving souls that are us humans.

Come forth the darkness and let us bask in your glory for we shall bring forward the time of the apocalypse. To bring birth to a new age of darkness, an age where chaos and violence prevails and irrelevant values such as love and respect be gone from the face of this earth. Let us exalt those who preach for upon the bloodstained earth and banish those who wish for peace.

For it is true that as long as we have weapons, true  unification will continually be non-existent until the time calls for armageddon.

Just something most Singaporeans should consider

I am utterly disgusted by the lack of command in English that Singaporeans have. Imagine having a conversation with someone when out of nowhere, they start spouting stuff like “liao”, “de”, “lo” and some other stupid “modifications”. I honestly am very much dumbfounded whenever these people uses such terms because I would be racking my brain trying to find associations with those terms that they have used and ultimately giving up because the words that that they use does not make sense to me at all and that I shouldn’t really bother trying to figure it out. Waste of brain cells.

Honestly speaking, why can’t we just stick to good old-fashioned English? It makes things terribly easier to understand and thus prevent the possibility of misinterpretation. Sighs. I don’t see why Singaporeans find the need to add all those unnecessary “vocab” into normal conversations. I think that’s probably why most people are getting poorer and poorer in their command of English.

I’m not saying that I have a complete grasp of the language, what I’m trying to put across here is that Singaporeans must be able to learn the proper use of the language instead of infusing it with their own for the sake of their own convenience but not realizing that at the same time, they are throwing off decent people who are too used to speaking in proper English, to readjust themselves to the so-called “Singlish” in order to make themselves heard and understood.

Just to be clear on this, I’m not saying I look down on people who uses “Singlish” as an everyday means of communication but what I am saying is that we should all work together and speak good and proper English for the benefit of us all and also for the greater good. I mean, what’s the point of having a universal language if in the end you are going to infuse it with your own and cause confusion among those who do not do the same? It’s pointless isn’t it?

Till next time

I have been slipping in and out of consciousness these past few weeks. Each time, waking up at a different location and time than the last I remembered. Some of the times, I find a completed piece of poetry or song lyrics by my side. On other occasions, I find small traces of blood around me like on my shirt or on the floor.

I think the other side of me is trying to take over. To completely dominate me after being suppressed for months by me. I can’t help feeling that anytime now, I will just disappear from this world. Oh, my body will still be here but the person in that body, it won’t be me anymore.

So this is my last entry to this blog. If it so happens that the next update looks way different than my previous entry, you should know what happened. Hopefully, that doesn’t happen anytime soon. Goodbye and thanks for reading/supporting my blog all this time.

Till next time,
Abdul Daiyan B Abdul Rahim

Just something you should think about.

I’m sick of being lied to. I am so sick of feeling betrayed. I trusted you and you fucking stabbed me in the bank. I thought you were different from the others, that I could trust you to not do the mistakes but you went ahead and did it anyway. You ask me to move on, to forget about you.

DO you know how long it takes me to move on? It took me three bloody long years to forget my last one and I’m not sure how long it will take to forget this one. Do you like inflicting pain so much onto other people, do you relish doing that? I don’t, and even more so if I am on the receiving end of it.

I know I did lots of pretty bad things over the years but I’m trying to change. I hope you see that part of me. I guess you’re just blind cause I am willing to change for you. You make me want to be a better person. To not be like before. But by doing this to me, you are making me find all the more reason to be who I was. I’m telling you, it’s not who I want to be. I dislike being that person. The ‘me’ before shouldn’t exist but you are giving him the reason to. Please don’t. If I become ‘him’ again, I don’t know what more harm I can do.

The change I had in mind was supposed to be better for me, for both of us. Now it’s reversed. It’s going to do harm to me and the people I come into contact with. You caused this and you should feel guilty.

EDIT:

People always think I’m a pushover because of how I look or how I behave. I’m not going to let that happen. I will have them know that I am not someone to whom you can easily mess around with just because I don’t fight back. If push comes to shove, I will fight back. That is a promise I have made to myself.

So to all those who likes manipulating people for their own advantage or satisfaction, FUCK YOU. This is gonna be one person you don’t wanna mess around with.

Sorry…

I never imagined that it could become like this, but it did. At first, I just wanted us to be friends, but I made a mistake. That was the best mistake I ever made in my life because that mistake made me fall for you. I will never regret that mistake because that mistake made me very happy. Happy because I fell for you and happy because the feelings were mutual and that I wasn’t in some self delusion. I guess it was pretty much stupid of me to have posted up the previous post because what happened in the past, shouldn’t have to reappear in the present.

I was wrong to have said I still love her a lot because I know that that statement is not true at all. It was more of a spur of the moment thing. You know how this things happen right?

So I just wanna apologize and hope you feel better after reading this post because I just can’t stand when you’re giving me the shoulder. It makes me feel soo guilty. I know I should be feeling guilty because what I did was very very stupid.

I swear I won;t do it again because all that matters to me now is you. No one else even comes close. I swear this upon my heart and soul.

I’m a procrastinator.

Fasting month is upon us once again. I’m hoping I can fast for a full month without any distractions hopefully. Here’s to a new beginning.

Anyway, I’ve been having rather weird and unsettling dreams again plus my head has started to hurt again. I think I’m going to have another one of those moments again. Not gonna divulge exactly what it is because it’s pretty private.

School is starting tomorrow and I’m not sure if I’m ready yet. It seems as if there are a lot of things that needs to be done, especially my PP. I have yet to complete it and the fact that I have to send it in by 9 Sept doesn’t make it sound any better. I’ve got 5 modules again this semester which I feel is good since that would leave me with only 4 and 3 days per week for the last two semesters respectively. It feels good to be left with only 3 semesters left to my graduation.

Anchor project is gonna be upon us again and I’m not sure if I want to act again. Lately, I feel jaded if I was asked whether I want to act or not. I’m sure it’s just a phase though because I know pretty much if I were to be asked, I’d say “Sure, why not?”.

I have pretty much spent the holidays sleeping, watching cartoons, playing games and watching movies. In short, I wasted my time. Should have been more productive. Sighs.