Just something you should think about.

I’m sick of being lied to. I am so sick of feeling betrayed. I trusted you and you fucking stabbed me in the bank. I thought you were different from the others, that I could trust you to not do the mistakes but you went ahead and did it anyway. You ask me to move on, to forget about you.

DO you know how long it takes me to move on? It took me three bloody long years to forget my last one and I’m not sure how long it will take to forget this one. Do you like inflicting pain so much onto other people, do you relish doing that? I don’t, and even more so if I am on the receiving end of it.

I know I did lots of pretty bad things over the years but I’m trying to change. I hope you see that part of me. I guess you’re just blind cause I am willing to change for you. You make me want to be a better person. To not be like before. But by doing this to me, you are making me find all the more reason to be who I was. I’m telling you, it’s not who I want to be. I dislike being that person. The ‘me’ before shouldn’t exist but you are giving him the reason to. Please don’t. If I become ‘him’ again, I don’t know what more harm I can do.

The change I had in mind was supposed to be better for me, for both of us. Now it’s reversed. It’s going to do harm to me and the people I come into contact with. You caused this and you should feel guilty.

EDIT:

People always think I’m a pushover because of how I look or how I behave. I’m not going to let that happen. I will have them know that I am not someone to whom you can easily mess around with just because I don’t fight back. If push comes to shove, I will fight back. That is a promise I have made to myself.

So to all those who likes manipulating people for their own advantage or satisfaction, FUCK YOU. This is gonna be one person you don’t wanna mess around with.

Sorry…

I never imagined that it could become like this, but it did. At first, I just wanted us to be friends, but I made a mistake. That was the best mistake I ever made in my life because that mistake made me fall for you. I will never regret that mistake because that mistake made me very happy. Happy because I fell for you and happy because the feelings were mutual and that I wasn’t in some self delusion. I guess it was pretty much stupid of me to have posted up the previous post because what happened in the past, shouldn’t have to reappear in the present.

I was wrong to have said I still love her a lot because I know that that statement is not true at all. It was more of a spur of the moment thing. You know how this things happen right?

So I just wanna apologize and hope you feel better after reading this post because I just can’t stand when you’re giving me the shoulder. It makes me feel soo guilty. I know I should be feeling guilty because what I did was very very stupid.

I swear I won;t do it again because all that matters to me now is you. No one else even comes close. I swear this upon my heart and soul.

I’m a procrastinator.

Fasting month is upon us once again. I’m hoping I can fast for a full month without any distractions hopefully. Here’s to a new beginning.

Anyway, I’ve been having rather weird and unsettling dreams again plus my head has started to hurt again. I think I’m going to have another one of those moments again. Not gonna divulge exactly what it is because it’s pretty private.

School is starting tomorrow and I’m not sure if I’m ready yet. It seems as if there are a lot of things that needs to be done, especially my PP. I have yet to complete it and the fact that I have to send it in by 9 Sept doesn’t make it sound any better. I’ve got 5 modules again this semester which I feel is good since that would leave me with only 4 and 3 days per week for the last two semesters respectively. It feels good to be left with only 3 semesters left to my graduation.

Anchor project is gonna be upon us again and I’m not sure if I want to act again. Lately, I feel jaded if I was asked whether I want to act or not. I’m sure it’s just a phase though because I know pretty much if I were to be asked, I’d say “Sure, why not?”.

I have pretty much spent the holidays sleeping, watching cartoons, playing games and watching movies. In short, I wasted my time. Should have been more productive. Sighs.

Death should be your friend.

I’ve always wondered how it would be like to just get myself injured so bad that I’m struggling just to keep my heart to pump oxygen through my body. To be going in and out consciousness. To feel the warmth escaping from my body till it becomes just an empty shell, devoid of life, of a soul.

Sometimes I wonder how it feels like to die. As in the experience of dying itself. To know that you’re leaving this god forsaken world and to another place, a better place perhaps. Too bad that we can only die once and not twice. If we could die twice, I’m sure the second time around would be much more sweeter and smoother in its transition.

People have always regarded death as a bad thing. That’s because they are still clinging on to their materiality, refusing to let go. In fact, death is a good thing. Death is what everybody on earth is aiming for, heading towards. So why resist it? Why do we try so hard to come up with medicine, better health care and insurance policies? We should just let nature run its course and embrace death. Be happy that you are chosen in that moment in time to undergo an experience that is unique to you and you only.

I’m not being emo or anything of the sort, I just think that death should be something to be celebrated, and not mourned. That’s all. Cheerios!

To Jamie,

Every night as I lay on my bed, I look at the stars. The same set of stars that you would look at as you go to sleep. I know that though we may be far, we are connected somehow. Connected in a way that most people have yet to experience. It’s not wishful thinking on my part because I know that you feel the same way I do, the same kind of emotions that run through your body every time an IM is sent to you from me. Gosh, how I miss you so. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms, to run my fingers through your hair as we bask in the warm glow of the setting sun. To feel you near me, never letting go. To spend my time with you, whispering, serenading you with songs that I wrote about you. If only time can pass faster so we can clasp our hands together and face the new dawn, with your head on my chest and my arms around you, holding you so you’ll feel safe and never alone.

Here’s a poem I wrote while I was thinking about you. It’s a bit kiddish, but the words are all true.

As the clouds rolled on by in the sky
The sun is shining brightly way up high
The sky seem to be always blue
Whenever my heart thinks about you

You felt the chemistry ever since we first met
Meeting you, is why I have my heart set
All that I said, I meant it in every way
Because I still miss you till this very day

Hope you liked the poem. I put a lot of thought into it.

<333333

Dreams

I had a very weird dream this last night. It was a dream in which I would never want to have again. It was a dream so real, I felt like I was more alive in that dream than I am in my present reality. It’s funny how that sounds. How can you be more alive in your dream than you are in reality? Ahaha. It’s pretty much ironic don’t you think?

Sometimes I feel if I believed hard enough, I could fly. I know it seems pretty lame of me to have these kinds of dreams, but I always wondered how it would feel like. To fly in the air with your arms spread wide open. Feeling the wind beneath you picking up and slowly caressing you in its embrace. Not having a care in the world. Ah, how I wish I had the gift of flight. It would be most wonderful.

Sad and really DISAPPOINTED

Shit, I feel so left out. I feel as if I’ve been cast aside to rot on my own. No one cares or no one even bothers to take notice of me. Oh well. It has always been like this. Events have been happening all around me and yet no one has bothered to ask me about it, to ask if I wanna go with them. Shit. I guess this is just how much I mean to them. How much of a friend I am to them. Wow. It is such a great feeling to have friends. To have people around that supports you. Pfft. As if.

Right now, I’m just disappointed. Thanks guys, thanks for making me feel special. I really needed that.